An Ex-Proxy

 And here I thought I was finally left alone, wasn't disturbed by any of this freaky dicky shit for months, no sign of Slenderfuck, no rotting corpses, none of the supernatural bullshit, just me, my new shitty job and my own thoughts that haunt me every day. Yes you read that right, once I got the fuck out of the town where I was boozing it up on a regular basis with a bunch of homeless folk, I got myself an actual job, nothing fancy working as one of the staff at one of the local Tesco's, started earning enough to afford to rent a single room in a shared house. Not much to say there either, I barely see or talk to any of my housemates which is exactly the way I like it and for a few months, past Christmas, New Years and any other dumb celebrations I was doing fine, I was finally left in peace so that my fucked up mind could continue tormenting me on it's own, without the assistance of the monsters and their freaks.

But of course I wouldn't be posting here if something didn't eventually go wrong, which it did.

As I was on my way home from my job in the middle of the night I spotted a glint of something shining at me through the darkness of one of the alleys. The dumb thing to do was to stop and look a little deeper into the darkness, should have kept walking, but as my eyes adjusted to the darkness I was able to catch a glimpse of my Jamaican Stalker, or as other freaks call him, Eko. I didn't need any hints from that point on, I instantly started running away from that spot as fast as I could, I didn't want to be transported against my will again to witness some more fucked up shit, but as I rounded the corner I got blasted in the face with a barrage of various book pages, with a strong wind blowing them directly at me. I nearly lost my balance and fell right on my ass, but I managed to stay on my feet and tried to see through the pages, to no avail all I could do was just stand in place and try not to fall. At some point during all of that the air temperature drastically changed from mildly cold to absolutely fucking freezing, which resulted in me instantly running out of breath, I started to feel light-headed and my legs started to buckle. As I tried my best to stay conscious and not fall down, at some point I began to realize that the wind that was blowing from before wasn't as strong and as directed, the pages that were slapping me across the face were replaced with something less painful and more wet.

Noticing the difference, I opened my eyes and was greeted by a brick wall, a thick layer of snow covering my feet and the freezing wind sending snowflakes to crash into my face. Confused and disoriented I instantly turned around to look where I was this time and as I turned, I could instantly feel my feet slip on the iced over ground sending me plummeting down the stairs that were apparently to my left. My loud descent was coupled by an equally loud barrage of profane words, shit fucking hurt, ultimately I ended up on my back at the bottom of the stairs which apparently led to someone's basement flat cause the only thing that was at the bottom of those stairs, apart from myself was a door. In pure frustration at both the pain and the fact that I was once again in the middle of fucking nowhere I lashed out and kicked the door.

Then the unexpected happened as I was trying to get up (Which wasn't easy on all of the frozen over ground) the door was opened and I was greeted with a surprised: "What the fuck!?" In hindsight, I should have recognized the voice from our previous meeting, but it's been a while since then plus I was disoriented as fuck, to a point where my vision was still blurry from the fall. The initial greeting was followed up by: "How the fuck did you find me!?" This did not help my confusion any, I still couldn't see who it is that was talking, I was too busy to try and keep my balance and crawl my way up the frozen stairs. "Fucking what? Find who!?" My brain began to function a bit better at that point, telling me that I should probably find out who it is that is yelling at me from the door, considering they seem to know me, so I turned around and the first thing that I saw was the said individual wielding a knife, which immediately made me try to scramble up the stairs whilst yelling: "Yo fucking chill!" Still not seeing whoever the hell it was in the doorway partially due to my blurred sight, partially due to the darkness of the apartment not making it clear.

As I was trying to scramble up the stairs a more demanding: "Stop right there!" Was shouted at me, so I obeyed. That's when the individual stepped out of the apartment and it was none other than Fell, which I'm pretty sure threw both of us into a state of confused shock. "What do you mean "find who"? You're at my fucking door, Malik!" It was very obvious by her face expression that she was trying to figure out how the fuck I was able to find her hiding place. "What? Did you get here by accident?"

"Oh shit." Was all I could really offer up in that moment, I was just transported into a possibly completely different continent, to meet up with a person who previously tried to take my head off (Rightfully so), to say that there was a million questions racing through my head would be an understatement, but all of those had to be put on the shelf as soon as I remembered Fell's short temper, so I raised my hands to show that I am unarmed, took a deep breath and began to explain through my chattering teeth how I ended up on her doorstep, which was basically that I was transported there by the Jamaican cunt and that I had no idea where the fuck I was, felt like fucking North Pole.

She cautiously looked up the stairs to see if I had anyone tailing me, then looked at me shaking in the freezing cold, sighed out, put her knife down and gestured inside of her apartment. "Get in here" I was about to turn down the offer, I kind of wanted to figure out where the fuck I was but a strong gust of wind managed to convince my already freezing ass to step inside. The apartment was pretty empty, the main room only had a laptop on a coffee table in front of an old, soft armchair and a single wooden chair in the corner, it was warm though. The awkward silence was kind of killing me, so I blurted out without thinking as to how "cozy" her place of hiding was.

"Hey fuck you. I can't exactly afford much especially when I have to keep moving" Can't argue there, hell this was better then my own living place. "Here, take a seat." She said while pointing at the armchair. "Do you want some tea or a blanket or something?"

This was throwing me the fuck off, why? Let me repeat myself, the last time we've met we were trying to kill each other, sure since then we've exchanged pleasant comments but that's online, there's a level of distance there both physical and mental, now we were face to face and the person who was once trying to take my head off was now offering me tea and blankets. That's not even mentioning the fact that I literally showed up out of nowhere, right in front of her hiding place that nobody knew about.

"Oh well if you prefer, I can shove this fucking knife up your ass and let you freeze outside." She immediately snapped in response to my concerns and this might sound strange, but that right there is what managed to calm me down and allowed me to actually sit down and relax in the armchair. After which I asked her if she wanted to ask me anything, considering I was the trespasser in this situation.

She pulled the wooden chair from its corner and placed it on the other side of the coffee table, sat down and asked. "Yeah, what the fuck are you doing here?"

And I pretty much repeated my previous answer, that I was transported by Eko without my consent, that I have no idea what his reasons are and that I wouldn't show up at her place because last time we met, we were trying to kill each other, also because I still had no idea where 'her place' was. For those of you looking for her don't bother, I wasn't told where it was that I was transported to, not that I asked.

She stared at me in silence, clearly thinking over my answer. "I don't like that he knows where the fuck I am, but there's got to be a reason he decided to dump your ass on my doorstep." She sighed "What the fuck were you doing before he sent you here?"

I of course told her that I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary, like I've said, these past few months were very quiet for me to a point that I could work a fulltime job without any issues, other than the ones that my own mind would bring up.

She thought over the answer for a minute and just muttered to herself "Working and sleeping, huh?" Clearly trying to find some kind of reason as to why I was transported to her place, then she seemingly stopped thinking about it and just asked me "Okay, well how have you been feeling? You've been sober for a while, right?"

The answer was yes, it's hard to believe but I haven't touched a bottle the entire time since my previous abduction, the job helped battle the urge to dive back into the bottle, it served as a good distraction. However, some nights the urge is just too strong and I am left relying only on my own strength of will, I hate those nights. I returned the question, consider she had her own history with the bottle.

"Same." She replied "Sometimes I want to dive right back into the fucking bottle, but I know that won't help anything. Not in the long run" She frowned "There's no fucking escape from this shit..." She laughed but I wouldn't say that laugh carried any joy within it "Hell, I can't even fucking vent without a community getting wiped out."

She was obviously talking about the Wolf's recent escapade, it was plain as day that she blamed herself for what Wolf did, thinking that her sudden departure was the reason that Wolf did what she did. I... I think I got a bit triggered here, the self-blaming schtick is something I'm very familiar with and I hate to see someone else going through it, especially if the self-blaming isn't warranted in this case, so I told her to stop blaming herself, that the atrocious shit the Wolf did to those kids wasn't her fault, that none of said shit would have happened if the Wolf never had fucked with her to begin with. As I was saying all of that I leaned closer to her and made sure to look her directly in the eye and told her to save her self-blaming energy for the shit that she is actually responsible for.

"Is that what you've been doing?" She asked, redirecting the conversation onto me "Saving your energy for the shit you're responsible for?"

This next part... I'm not proud of because I broke down, because this is where I had to admit to someone the horrible truth of my existence, that I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I clenched the arm of the armchair as hard as I could, trying desperately to try and rip through the fabric, because I told her that every time I went to sleep I saw his face, the kid whose life I destroyed, all of that was very hard to talk about as evidenced by me choking on my words, trying desperately to restrain the tears that were coming down my face, until eventually I could not hold them back any longer and revealed to Fell how weak I was, asking her desperately for an answer that has been haunting me ever since I killed that kid's mom right in front of him, how do you go on after being directly responsible for something like that?

She was clearly not expecting a full blown breakdown, I doubt she was expecting to deal with this type of shit at all, yeah not my proudest moment. "I... well.." She began, clearly finding the whole thing either cringey, or awkward, or both "For a start, you weren't the one who made the kid fucking watch. The bandaged dickhead would have killed him if you didn't kill her right then and there..."

She meant well, but that didn't stop me from barking back at her immediately, in that moment I was not going to accept any kind of pity cause I simply don't deserve it, I yelled at her telling how what she was saying was bullshit and that she knew it. I got up and instantly tipped over the armchair in anger that was aimed at myself primarily, anger that was fully deserved because that kid didn't have to suffer, if only I had put my crusade for revenge aside and listened to Hannah and Fell who were telling me long before the incident that teaming up with the bandaged fuckhead was a bad idea. As I was ranting and raving I walked up to the nearest wall and started punching it, as hard as I possibly could, I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve there, whether I was trying to punch a hole, or break every bone in my hand, no idea, but one thing's for sure, it didn't stop me from whining more. At some point I did stop because my hand started to hurt, so I used it to lean against the wall as I proceeded to headbutt the wall once, wanting nothing more than to be killed off by someone, or something in that instant, fuck it was so pathetic, having a breakdown in someone's place, dumping unnecessary baggage at her doorstep.

I was about to headbutt the wall again as I felt my anger begin to build up again, but Fell's hand that was now on my shoulder prevented me from hurting myself further. "I... don't know if I have a good answer. I've done so much horrible shit over the years and the longer I live, the more people get hurt but here I fucking am, still going." She said after taking a deep breath "I'm a fucking serial killer for fuck's sake.....But maybe you can be something better..." In retrospect, I would have laughed at that, me? Something better? No way, not after all the shit that I have done. "You did what you did because you thought you were the only one who would fucking suffer and you didn't care about that..." I wish I was the only one that suffered "You made a fucking mistake and you can't change that.. but you can make sure it won't happen again."

Yeah, or fuck things up even further. I don't know what it was about what she had said, as you can tell I don't agree with all of it, but it was the way she said it in that instance, there was some kind of internal struggle that was coming out along with those words and it was that realization that forced me to snap the fuck out of my pathetic state, I mean for fuck's sake Fell has plenty of her own baggage to deal with as is and here I am not only showing up unannounced, but am also dumping my own personal shit on her doorstep. It was time to wipe away the fucking tears and change the course of conversation, I was shown kindness, undeserving kindness and I was damn sure going to try and return the favor, hence why I asked her if that's what she was doing this entire time, hiding in this frozen shit-hole, was she correcting mistakes?

"I don't fucking know. I'm just desperately trying not to make more!" She said with a laugh that seemed to come off as joyless.  "And I'm not just talking about the fucking blog or what the Wolf did." As she said that her face was a mixture of emotions, practically unreadable beyond, none of it was positive. "I still feel the fucking hunger that the Wolf gave me." She snarled "I still want to fucking kill. I HAVE fucking killed since I left her." She waved her arms in exasperation. "Granted, the fucker was trying to mug me, but I still did it and I liked it!" She ran her hand through her hair in what seemed like agitation. "I'm just trying to be fucking normal!"

So that's what all of this isolation was about, I picked the armchair back up and proceeded to face Fell, giving her a concerned look as both a realization began to dawn on me and the fact that what she seemed to be going through was somewhat relatable. Was this self-imposed isolation a rehab of sorts? A means to kick the 'Hunger' that Wolf forcibly implanted in her? That's why she had the job wasn't it? Same reason as me, to serve as a distraction from the urges.

"Yeah... A distraction. A distraction from that urge and from all the shit that the giggling fuckface stirred up." Fuck him, I honestly hope he fucking died wherever the fuck he fucked off to. She sat down in her wooden chair and put her head in her hands, this conversation was clearly getting to her and she was no revealing to me her own vulnerable side, whether intentionally or not and I was not going to fuck this up further. "At least there, I can pretend to be a fucking regular person for a while."

It's funny how much we seem to value the concept of normalcy as if such a thing exists at all. People have been doing atrocious things for years, even without being Slenderstalked, by no means am I trying to give us an excuse, I'm pretty sure we're suffering plenty for our actions, whether this self-imposed suffering is warranted or not. But show me one person who wouldn't become an emotional wreck after going through the shit that we did, if they don't they're probably a sociopath. When I looked at her I didn't see a serial killer, or some kind of horrible monster, I know what those look like, what I saw in front of me was a traumatized person and that's the only types of people that exist in this fucked world, those that experienced trauma and those that didn't. Put any of them in her shoes and I guarantee the majority will cross the same lines, because if they didn't, they'd be dead. This time I put my hand on her shoulder as a way of comfort but also out of respect, this was a person who's head has been fucked with for years and to see her face said trauma and try her hardest to undo the said fucking, that was something that I wasn't capable of during my lowest point in time, I either tried to roll over and die, or dive head first into a bottle. The only thing I didn't understand is why was she fighting the fight on her own.

To that she responded "I don't really have much choice, do I?" A pained smile crept up on her face. "Who the fuck else would or could deal with this?" She gestured to herself. "Besides, isn't that what you've been doing? Handling your trauma all on your own?"

I wouldn't say I was 'handling' it, but I didn't want to derail the conversation. Truth be told, I don't have much of a choice, the only friend I had I bitched away because I was convinced that I wouldn't be sucking air today and even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to find Franky, he's not exactly the type that can be found unless he wanted to be. She didn't though, sure her dumbass friend is apparently too stupid to figure out that staying with a monster like the Wolf is a bad fucking idea, that at some point it might be his ass on the platter, but that's neither here nor there. Fact of the matter both Hart and Fell care for each other a lot, that much is obvious from their comments to one another, so I stood up and shrugged at her and asked her what was the point of putting yourself through the pain of tackling trauma on your own?

"Hart has his hands full with the Wolf." She sighed. "I can't just dump my shit on him." Her gaze gravitated towards the ground. "I can't make him leave her if he doesn't want to, either."

To those of you who have similar thoughts about your friends during your times of crisis. What was just said is bullshit, friends are there to handle your personal baggage, not constantly obviously, but from time to time yeah, that's ultimately their whole purpose, to make your and their existence on this planet less shitty, because guess what, I guarantee to you that they have their own baggage that needs dumping and as a friend you should extend the same courtesy. Alesa fucking lived by that moto, even more so, the amount of personal demons in her life that I was not and never will be aware of and yet despite all of them she never hesitated to reach out and try to help, even to complete strangers... fuck.

Regardless my point wasn't that she yank Hart's ass away from his own crisis, it was that if what, if she really needed it, there was someone there for her that she could fall back on and that she shouldn't hesitate to ask for help.

It was a fairly long pause of silence, who knows what was going through her head at that moment eventually though she ran her hand through her hair. "I guess.." she said "Well... then you're not on your own either." This was bizarre to see, a small smile formed on her face, no pain behind it, no baggage, just a genuine smile, it's as if a completely different person was looking at me "We're talking shit out right now, aren't we? I don't see a reason why we can't keep doing that."

And we might have, for a moment I could hear Alesa in her voice as she uttered that last sentence. For the first time in months I felt comfort, that this was the moment where I get to dump my baggage that had been eating away at me for years. So of course this is the moment where the Jamaican cunt decided to show up.

"I'm afraid I would be that reason Miss Kristy." He was all of a sudden just there, casually standing in the doorway that I assumed led inside the kitchen, this time however I wasn't scared, maybe because on a subconscious level I already knew how this was going to play out, still anger is quite the unreasonable motivator, I got in front of Fell and started yelling at him, asking him what the fuck was the big idea transporting me to Fell's hideout.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING APARTMENT" I heard Fell exclaim behind me in surprise, as she leapt to her feet and swung around wielding a knife which she picked up from the coffee table, walking towards Eko fully intending to stab him if he didn't provide answers.

The fucker just continued smiling, his gold plated teeth shining through as he raised his hands in the air mockingly, holding onto some weird looking book. "There will be no need for that. I am only here to retrieve Mr. Kyle and place him back where he belongs."

Belongs!? Who the fuck did this guy think he is, what am I? Some kind of fucking monopoly piece that he just yanks around at his leisure!? I was frustrated at the fact that he wouldn't leave me along nor that he would give me any kind of answers, said frustration urged me to keep on walking towards him.

Fell was right behind me and if her snarl was any indication, she was just as pissed as me "Who the fuck are YOU to 'retrieve' him?! FUCK. OFF."

As I was about to join in telling him to fuck off, he quickly opened his book and a similar bombardment of pages was direct at my face, yet again. As I was now lost in my disorientation it dawned on me that I had once again played right into this fuck's hands. I was once again being yanked fuck knows where and furthermore I had no idea if Fell was along for the ride.

Just when I thought I had figured out a pattern to said abductions the fucker throws a curve ball. Instead of dropping me back where he yoinked me from, I instead ended up in the middle of an open field with no civilization in sight with nothing but the stars overlooking me. I turned around to try and figure out where the fuck I was and there he was, just standing there just a few meters away from me, with his book in his hands.

My first question of course was to figure out what happened to Fell since I didn't see her with us, to which he reassured me. "She remained where she was, she has her own role to play." I have no fucking idea what he meant by that, he hasn't exactly been the greatest at providing any answers, but considering this was the first time that she was actually stopping and talking to me, I tried to press my luck.

I could have asked about literally anything in that moment, however in retrospect I highly doubt he would have answered anything apart from this specific question that I felt like asking at the time. Why the fuck was he giving me this fucking therapy session bullshit? First a meeting with a long time Runner which subdued my suicidal urges, then the Hallowed Proxy which subdued my drinking issues and now Fell who was dealing with her own shit in a very similar fashion to mine. I picked up on this pattern the second Fell told me about how her days have been going, why the fuck was this guy so desperate in giving me some kind of fucking therapy session?

He didn't answer directly of course, just smiled and uttered more of bullshit. "We all have roles to play Mister Kyle." After which he stepped aside revealing a sword that was embedded into the ground behind him... my sword, the tool that I used to get my revenge... and ruined that kid's life forever. I had completely forgotten that I left it behind after having my fallout with the bandaged prick, seeing it again made me want to break down because it instantly brought back the memories of that kid's terrified face as he watched his mother bleed out.

"You know how this will go Mister Kyle, so cooperate for once, pick up the sword and I will  take you back home." I was too tired at that point, worn out and all out of anger, frustration, or tears and the idea of going home sounded way too appealing. I didn't even give a second thought that he might have possibly been referring to a completely different place than I understood as "home". Just did what he said, picked up the sword, it's weight seeming heavier than the last time I held it and he instantly transported me back to my room in my shared house.

Since then I haven't left the room, the sword is on the floor where I had thrown it after getting back. I don't want to kill myself, nor do I want to have a drink, I've skipped out on work to the point that I'm pretty sure I've been fired from there. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here anymore, for a second I felt liked I had found a way out of my misery, back there with Fell as we were about to go further into our shitty lives, the moment where I managed to feel genuine comfort for a few seconds before Eko yanked my ass out of there.

I don't know what I want.

God I fucking miss you Alesa.